Life

My life these days seems to be... well... boring. Other than school, cheerleading, work, and church I have no life. I hardly go out on the weekends anymore. This is mostly a result of me recently becoming single. I'm not saying I want to be back in my old relationship... I just miss having that someone to go out with all the time. I do miss being in a relationship and if another guy came along and was suitable for me (which isn't easy to do) then I would defintaly say yes if the question arose for me to be in a relationship with him. I don't see that question coming up anytime soon though. Like I said, my life is boring. I do nothing fun or exciting. Yes, cheerleading is fun.. sometimes but mostly it's just like another job. Although I would have to say it is a much harder job than the current job I actually have. I am watched like a hawk and if I do one tiny thing wrong I get punished for it. I have gotten punished for things that I shouldn't have, yet I am the type of girl who doesn't complain, just accepts it and goes on. I realize I am really random with this post but these are my thoughts and.. well.. my thoughts are VERY random. haha random! (art thing). Mostly what gets me through the day is the thought that in less than a year I will be off to college and my life will be totally different. I will be a changed girl, living somewhere else (not in my parents house under thier constant "hawk-like" view), with new friends and not ones that remind me of my past and those mistakes I have made. And boy have I made some. I'm not talking about in my relationship. Me and Bryan had a good relationship and had many great times together that I will never forget. I did other things ... wrong things that I will never forget because I can see it in my friends eyes every day. I have disapointed many, including myself. I am better than what I have been and I am working on becoming the true person I am, not the person I was trying to pretend to be. Thats another subject that has been on my mind A LOT lately. I have been living my life trying to be someone else. I am always doing this like her, acting like that because thats how she acts, dressing like this because she dresses like this. The SHE in my thoughts isn't just one person it is a few and I am working on not being like that. I want to be myself, not a clone of someone else. I am praying about it and have told others... one other who is praying for me as well. My life is complicated at the moment and I am just working on getting through my senior year. I know once I am out of here I will be better. I can start over. Try again. I am so honored that I actually get a chance to start over. It is something I need.

Why?

I am tired. So tired. I sleep all the time, yet I am always tired. Maybe somthing is wrong with me. I feel like crap right now and I have been for the past two days. But no one knows. I don't speak my emotions. I figured out tonight that I have a problem with jealousy. I am so jealous of so many people. I get so jealous that it turns into hate. And I hate that! All I ever do is want want want and I hate that too. I want my belly button pierced. I want to make straight A's. I want a boyfriend. I want to be held and kissed and actually feel loved again. I want to go on a date. I want.... I want to be liked. My best friend. Everyone likes her. Boys, girls, everyone. People talk to her and make jokes at her and I stand right next to her and they don't even acknowled my existence. How am I so different? Why don't people like me like they do her? People back stab me and I don't know what I did. I have never done anything but be nice. Ok maybe I am mean sometimes but I am only human. I am talking to this guy and he is so cute and sweet but he lives three hours away! I will never see him. I can't have a relationship with him. I am so jealous of my ex's sister that I hate her. I forget things so easily. I have so many things to do, yet I never have enough time. I am always too busy to do something. I might be a mental case. I should be admitted. I feel like crying right now. Not because I am sad, just because I am so stressed and confused and in pieces that are no where to be found. I feel like I have nobody. Yes, I have a best friend but ... I can't tell her things like this. I love her but... its just not like that. I want a guy so bad. But not just any guy. They have to be the right kind. My mind knows what it wants and no one can change that. I can't even change its mind. I tried to tell myself that Bryan was perfect. I wanted to be in love with him. I wanted to marry him. But my mind was never happy enough. He wasn't the right one. The right type. I don't understand why! Why can't he be the one? Why can't I be in love with him? My life was so happy, so full of life and love. Why did I have to end it? I'm not saying I want him back. I would never be happy. I just ... just ... want to be happy. I want everyone to be happy. I miss my childhood. I miss those days when nothing mattered but riding horses and playing in the dirt with my brother. Nothing mattered but waking up every morning and hearing cows outside. Riding four-wheelers. Riding horses. Being in danger. Being tough. Being a cowgirl. I am so messed up now. I never know what I want. I don't know where I want to go to college. I don't know what I want to be. I change my mind every week. I want my hair longer, my skin tanner, my face with less acne, my height taller, my weight less, my muscle cells bigger, more more more! I don't understand. There are too many details in my life. I try to slow down but it only continues to get more and more detailed. Someone is painting my life. They just keep adding more and more details. A line there, erase that, paint there, circle there, blah blah blah! Why!? Sometimes when I drive home I wonder what it would be like to have a wreck? Would I really be any worse off? It wouldn't hurt for long. I could end this right now. Do I really have anything to live for? Then I think of the ones I would hurt and I can't do it. I can't hurt them. I am a mess. And no one even knows.....